Band Baaja Baraat Diaries

Yo, here is a post I never posted, about a wedding in Allahabad in December. Yes, we do weddings. Sometimes they're fun. There's food and booze and sometimes the people are nice (not really in the ones I've been for though)


Lying in Prayag Raj Express. The lamp on this train is super bright and I'm sipping some whiskey and water alone and listening to Nick. Our plans to smoke a j ave been foiled by TTs crawling everywhere and two men sleeping near both the doors. We're going to Allahabad to shoot a baniya wedding (remember, koi kaam bada ya chota nahi hota....par boring zaroor ho sakta hai).

There's me, Editor-sahab (Also a baniya, but the cool kind, hardcore Bollywood lover, wants the wedding to be a magnum opus, but is disappointed), Tintin (who I've met for the first time on this trip, he's younger than me but more proficient with a camera), D-dawg (camera wielder, lover of beef, circumstantial vegetarian), the Photog and his assistant Tonybro. I love trains, even when there's no bhasad. Just because of the way they move.

How many nights have I lay in train berths and listened to Nick and read. But just the rhythm makes each time feel imbued with some special quality. As if thoughts that come to you late night on trains are somehow better or more clever. Maybe its also just that I like being awake when everyone else is asleep. I wish I had the lower berth so I could look out at the darkness and listen to my BFF Nicholas Rodney Drake. I'm so glad I brought him with me. He brightens my northern sky.

Viv Albertine in "England's Dreaming" - 'I couldn't talk to my mother for ages. It was too convoluted and complex, and too much needed to be explained to talk to someone about it" -WORD BRO. (defining quotes of my life)

We reached and dumped our stuff in the hotel (which was pretty good, and I had a room to myself, yuh) and had to go off to shoot. I don't think the family was too aware of what we did exactly because they wanted us to shoot every bloody thing, mamas, chachas sitting around included. They thought we were the Bittoo Boss variety who will be shooting throughout with things being projected on a screen simultaneously. And when we told the dad that's not what we do he muttered 'dilliwalon ko bulaoge toh aisa hi hoga'. A lot of the day was skullnumbing. After we return from shooting the boring puja stuff I manage to snatch an hour of sleep since I haven't slept a wink all night in the train. The sangeet was horrific but entertaining. To be noted that everyone here was terribly boring. There's a ganesha ivory and wood carving with plastic on it. And there was barely any food. And no booze.The groom's brother and some female relative were compering the program. Here, just read my notes.

"Holi is colourful, diwali is joyful but this sangeet is wonderful."
"Taron ki barat hai chand bhi hamare sath hai palke bichae hamare naina, mausi ke dance ki chah hai."
"Ankhein apki mast dikhne mein zabardast har kaam sambhalne mein mahir hamari sudha bhabi."
"Chandni chand se hoti hai sitaro se nahi mohabbat ek se hoti jai hazaron se nahi. Chandni chand se hogi toh sitaron ka ka kya hoga pyar ek se hoga toh hazaron ka kya hoga."
"Ji main apki ardhangini bol rahi hoon apka jeevan tatol rahi hoon, lagta hai apki hai bahut sari gopiyan, aake kheenchoongi sabki chotiyan."
Now they're dancing to the the kahani ghar ghar ki theme. Kill me now. 

My poker face only helps me in these awkward situations and not actually at poker. Ddawg is rolling his eyes all over the place. We had attempted to take shots of the location and elements and could barely find anything. The hotel is adjacent to a petrol pump.
Editor saab and Tintin are in front with the cameras and I go to relieve Editor and have to fake smiles as the couple are sitting right next to me. 

When we return to our rooms, we bitch and complain and watch Comedy Nights with Kapil. 

We wake up at 5am to go to Sangam to take shots of the sunrise. Its Tintin, Editor and me. Editorsaab and I are smoking cirgits while Tintin is contorting himself happily by the filthy ghat taking a silhouette shot of a babaji chadhaoing jal. We get on a boat after much negotiation by Editorsaab who is very happy with his discount but is fucking scared of the boat toppling over. Tintin and I rock the boat to annoy him. We're all taking turns with the camera going nuts with the sunrise and the raucous birds. We try to recce for some locations but the fort is not open for the public and the rest of the ghaat is, not very picturesque. 

So boredddd. Ddawg and I are sitting in the brides house as if we're distant cousins. Amusing ourselves with the depressing middleclass decor of the place and overhearing uncles political conversation. There's nothing to shoot and everyone is super boring. I've never been this bored at a Trip wedding even.
The uncles are talking about 'consessional' sex and rape.
The gaanewali aunty and dholakwale uncle have gone to eat paan. They are also very bored and keep looking at us with the underappreciated 'artisht' kindered spirit look. 'jab koi sunne walla nahi hota toh man oobh jata hai' she said. They were waiting for chai for a while before it came.

Ddawg  and me keep giving each other the please,kill me look. Tony the assistant is silent as ever, at least he got to take some shots today instead of just holding the soft box. He only is seen laughing silently when we make jokes about Photog. We keep blank calling his room at odd times when he is sleeping. Editor called him pretending to be a cop and called him downstairs and he came to our room in his boxers holding a 1000 rupee note, all ready to pay.
Ddawg and i went out looking for thums up. Found it quite some distance away among doctors and pharmacists. I got taadoed for smoking. Saw a hot loafer sitting by the street who looked a bit like Louis garrell. 
Uncle says 'I don't mind a little dictator. Lekin dictator matlab yeh nahi Ki jo man me hai karo'
The family is so fucking out of touch. They all rehearse two minute,messages for the couple and stammer them out. No one has anything good to say about the groom. Which is telling considering he looks like a champu. After lunch the sleeps are creeping up. So much more time to go. The bride surprisingly speaks pretty articulately and genuinely about the dude and her story.
We barely sat for 5 minutes and they want us to come over and shoot the makeup. Get there and she's not ready yet. Go back and order coffee and watch fukrey for 10 minutes.
The food at the guy's side was so terrible that Editor and Tintin are both holding their stomachs. Tintin keeps chatpataoing while we're taking element shots and finally says 'yaar, jaana padega' so I call the cab guy for him and he doesn't make it to the hotel, having to get a sulabh opened. Poor sod.
Train was 7 hrs late. We kept watching tv and dozing in our room, then waiting at the station, then in the train realizing it had been delayed further. Playing court piece throughout. Photog and Editor bonding over their team and kicking our ass. Chaiwala says chai boliye chai chai and we all go 'chai chai'