So, writing now because I want to go home and drown myself in Mad Men (underwhelming few episodes so far. Need more Ginzo, Will be very disappointed if him and Stan remain as sketches on the sidelines and not actual stories.)
The day of FT I told Ma 'usually I hate being producer but today I feel producery', because things were going fine and Deb said to someone 'this is my producer'. The thing is, the footage was kind of shit on a lot of parts, P didn't roll sound for certain parts, the GoPro shit was grainy mostly. So today we got another speech about (I'm paraphrasing here) - we're creatively zero, we suck at copywriting and we don't know shit about production - fair points all, and quite a few directed at me. But you know how it is with me. I don't want to get into work, feeling like 'ok today I'm gonna get shit done' and have someone not direct me, but nag me and I switch off immediately. I have gone into some unappreciated wife/nagged husband zone. I feel like I'm (and have already got a semi-sympathetic speech about) losing my interest and drive and work ethic. And I'd only just discovered I had a work ethic a while ago. I was (as I've been told) doing good, my 'learning curve' was going up, but now its reached a plateau (direct quote). Again, not disputing any of this. Paro and Dhingers keep asking 'kya hua tujhe? Tu theek hai?' (when I don't notice that I look burdened or troubled) etc but as usual I do the dumb faux-stoic 'pata nahi/kuch nahi' bit. More people have started to notice when I go off into my head trips, my poker faced mask must be slipping. I guess my caffeinated sunshine cat demeanor is subject to environmental conditions. (aside: I just noticed its fucking weird with so many new people around, I feel like they're all transient, though some of them are nice, I've decided which ones I like and which ones are just come and go ones)
It's funny, the other day a drunk Babs said 'Me and A were just talking about you. You're awesome man, you're a rockstar, nothing seems to bother you. You just like, do your thing. I'm jealous of you' (context: she's having relationship troubles). Then I tried to tell her about how I'm just better at keeping my stupid fights with myself to myself. Its good I guess because my only real relationship is with myself so I can be self indulgent and self loathing in equal measure. But people have real problems. Rent, boyfriends, families, bills, injuries, clients, baggage. I can feel bad, feel concerned, listen, try to help but I don't get it and don't know if I ever will.
Listening to Echo and the Bunnymen and wishing I was as sexy as Ian, I want to wear a trenchcoat all the time and have carefully disheveled hair and a 'I'm secretly a genius take me home with you?' pout and lean against gray walls.
Was listening to The Distillers earlier and remembering how I used to burn CDs with Distillers (and Dresden Dolls and Regina Spektor and Yeah Yeah Yeahs) on it. Soundtrack to teen angst and now 'quarter life crises' (of the sort that come and go everyday). Brody was so hot and badass and inspiring and lead me into riotgrrl and all things feminism (they have a song called Seneca Falls) and punk rawk and I would try to get my hair into her short and shaggy style and wear studded belts and black jeans. Also, she looked like Courtney. I remember days on my roof screaming along to The Hunger.
Ok, so watched the latest Mad Men episode, without giving anything away, I identify with both Peggy and Don in various ways (and sometimes I rant like my darling Ginzo does about having space taken away). Obviously the comparison doesn't mean it's to the same degree, I feel Peggy because she's a bit frustrated and has responsibility but feels creatively stifled too and isn't getting that direction that she needs from the person immediately above her. Though she's always fighting against mediocrity and keeping her peeps on a tight leash, which is definitely not me. Don, because ultimately no matter how much you want to feel slighted or pissed off you just have got to sit down and do the work. I just wish I could knock out leads like he does.
Here's bonus stuff (hurray! More of my amazing half baked writing!) I scribbled in my notebook now and then.
Stages of my relationship with a band:
1) I've heard of/seen you and you seem cool.
2) I've met you a couple of times and think you are cool and we have things in common. I replay those moments to create a picture of you in my head and build you up.
3) Holy shit, you are everything I thought. Falling for you stage.
4) You are the best person that ever lived and I love you and no one is more perfect for me or gets me better.
5) Together all the time so being with you becomes second nature. It's been so long that I only either want to be with you all the time or feel too intesely to be with you and feel guilty for wanting to try something new.
6) You're still a part of me and I love you but I must move on.
Was listening to The Sleepers' Mirror and it instantly soothed me. Laying me down with head on lap and stroking my hair even if it isn't a 'soothing' song. That's the power of a good song, you don't have to make any effort to talk to it, it just gets you.
(Reading England's Dreaming)Was thinking about Sex Pistols and John L, I find him beautiful and attractive, but only for the period he was in Sex Pistols and early PIL (though he was sort of a different person in both) - when he was my age. Because of the anger, intelligence, canny ear for music and his vulnerability, which came through despite defiance, posturing, obnoxiousness. I see a skinny, pale, young, confused boy who for all his 'nihilism' still wanted to do/make something even if through negation of everything that exists. That's why I would make him a posterboy and be drawn to him, Even if he destroyed everything he was before by being a disappointing obnoxious racist/misogynistic/homophobic old twat. I guess because he tried so hard to be a cunt all his life. And he did that embarrassing ad for butter but then again he was always very media aware even if it was an all out hostility and negative association all his life. The media built him up and destroyed him and fucked with his head and made him jaded, weary and lose his abundant potential. Sometimes in interview you can still see a spark.
Was also thinking, while listening to all Pistols songs I hadn't heard since I was a teenager (though remember lyrics, tunes immediately) about how when I was younger and stupider I turned away from both Nirvana and (to a lesser degree) Sex Pistols despite how I related to them and loved them and was changed by them because I felt saturated and the reason as stupid teenage reasons go, was because too many idiots liked them - most poseur thing ever to do.
Staring at a picture of Ian Curtis and thinking about his monochrome allure, some people are just made for black and white. Though even in the b&w I can see his blue eyes. 23.
The day of FT I told Ma 'usually I hate being producer but today I feel producery', because things were going fine and Deb said to someone 'this is my producer'. The thing is, the footage was kind of shit on a lot of parts, P didn't roll sound for certain parts, the GoPro shit was grainy mostly. So today we got another speech about (I'm paraphrasing here) - we're creatively zero, we suck at copywriting and we don't know shit about production - fair points all, and quite a few directed at me. But you know how it is with me. I don't want to get into work, feeling like 'ok today I'm gonna get shit done' and have someone not direct me, but nag me and I switch off immediately. I have gone into some unappreciated wife/nagged husband zone. I feel like I'm (and have already got a semi-sympathetic speech about) losing my interest and drive and work ethic. And I'd only just discovered I had a work ethic a while ago. I was (as I've been told) doing good, my 'learning curve' was going up, but now its reached a plateau (direct quote). Again, not disputing any of this. Paro and Dhingers keep asking 'kya hua tujhe? Tu theek hai?' (when I don't notice that I look burdened or troubled) etc but as usual I do the dumb faux-stoic 'pata nahi/kuch nahi' bit. More people have started to notice when I go off into my head trips, my poker faced mask must be slipping. I guess my caffeinated sunshine cat demeanor is subject to environmental conditions. (aside: I just noticed its fucking weird with so many new people around, I feel like they're all transient, though some of them are nice, I've decided which ones I like and which ones are just come and go ones)
It's funny, the other day a drunk Babs said 'Me and A were just talking about you. You're awesome man, you're a rockstar, nothing seems to bother you. You just like, do your thing. I'm jealous of you' (context: she's having relationship troubles). Then I tried to tell her about how I'm just better at keeping my stupid fights with myself to myself. Its good I guess because my only real relationship is with myself so I can be self indulgent and self loathing in equal measure. But people have real problems. Rent, boyfriends, families, bills, injuries, clients, baggage. I can feel bad, feel concerned, listen, try to help but I don't get it and don't know if I ever will.
Listening to Echo and the Bunnymen and wishing I was as sexy as Ian, I want to wear a trenchcoat all the time and have carefully disheveled hair and a 'I'm secretly a genius take me home with you?' pout and lean against gray walls.
Was listening to The Distillers earlier and remembering how I used to burn CDs with Distillers (and Dresden Dolls and Regina Spektor and Yeah Yeah Yeahs) on it. Soundtrack to teen angst and now 'quarter life crises' (of the sort that come and go everyday). Brody was so hot and badass and inspiring and lead me into riotgrrl and all things feminism (they have a song called Seneca Falls) and punk rawk and I would try to get my hair into her short and shaggy style and wear studded belts and black jeans. Also, she looked like Courtney. I remember days on my roof screaming along to The Hunger.
Ok, so watched the latest Mad Men episode, without giving anything away, I identify with both Peggy and Don in various ways (and sometimes I rant like my darling Ginzo does about having space taken away). Obviously the comparison doesn't mean it's to the same degree, I feel Peggy because she's a bit frustrated and has responsibility but feels creatively stifled too and isn't getting that direction that she needs from the person immediately above her. Though she's always fighting against mediocrity and keeping her peeps on a tight leash, which is definitely not me. Don, because ultimately no matter how much you want to feel slighted or pissed off you just have got to sit down and do the work. I just wish I could knock out leads like he does.
Here's bonus stuff (hurray! More of my amazing half baked writing!) I scribbled in my notebook now and then.
Stages of my relationship with a band:
1) I've heard of/seen you and you seem cool.
2) I've met you a couple of times and think you are cool and we have things in common. I replay those moments to create a picture of you in my head and build you up.
3) Holy shit, you are everything I thought. Falling for you stage.
4) You are the best person that ever lived and I love you and no one is more perfect for me or gets me better.
5) Together all the time so being with you becomes second nature. It's been so long that I only either want to be with you all the time or feel too intesely to be with you and feel guilty for wanting to try something new.
6) You're still a part of me and I love you but I must move on.
Was listening to The Sleepers' Mirror and it instantly soothed me. Laying me down with head on lap and stroking my hair even if it isn't a 'soothing' song. That's the power of a good song, you don't have to make any effort to talk to it, it just gets you.
(Reading England's Dreaming)Was thinking about Sex Pistols and John L, I find him beautiful and attractive, but only for the period he was in Sex Pistols and early PIL (though he was sort of a different person in both) - when he was my age. Because of the anger, intelligence, canny ear for music and his vulnerability, which came through despite defiance, posturing, obnoxiousness. I see a skinny, pale, young, confused boy who for all his 'nihilism' still wanted to do/make something even if through negation of everything that exists. That's why I would make him a posterboy and be drawn to him, Even if he destroyed everything he was before by being a disappointing obnoxious racist/misogynistic/homophobic old twat. I guess because he tried so hard to be a cunt all his life. And he did that embarrassing ad for butter but then again he was always very media aware even if it was an all out hostility and negative association all his life. The media built him up and destroyed him and fucked with his head and made him jaded, weary and lose his abundant potential. Sometimes in interview you can still see a spark.
Was also thinking, while listening to all Pistols songs I hadn't heard since I was a teenager (though remember lyrics, tunes immediately) about how when I was younger and stupider I turned away from both Nirvana and (to a lesser degree) Sex Pistols despite how I related to them and loved them and was changed by them because I felt saturated and the reason as stupid teenage reasons go, was because too many idiots liked them - most poseur thing ever to do.
Staring at a picture of Ian Curtis and thinking about his monochrome allure, some people are just made for black and white. Though even in the b&w I can see his blue eyes. 23.
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