Alone Together

[Alone, Together is the Strokes Song I was listening to while writing this all day, couldn't think of a post title]

I've realized that I'm a bitter person when I'm alone. Not..necessarily towards myself. I'm just closed to the world. I try to walk with a sense of cutting through people without touching anyone else. I have no patience or empathy in a crowd. I was having a bad day today. I forgot my wallet and had to come back home from college to get it, no one had a light and all my lighters were empty, girls were popping a bottle of champagne open outside college (fancy girls...MUN types) and wasting all of it. I had no balance on my phone. Plus this girl's jhaadu like ponytail (oh no you di d n't!) was sticking to me in the metro and Rabbit (y'know, of the running... Updike) was having a similar BT and I felt immensely uneasy like I wanted to move, I could move, but I wouldn't and I keep chewing my lip nervously which makes me realize I'm anxious about nothing at all as usual and makes me try even harder to calm the fuck down. The transformation is almost instantaneous with the few people I love. I feel like I need the 'hum' in 'hum sabse sahi hai' to lend me our collective worldview. 'Hum sabse sahi hain lekin tum log bhi not bad, lo jotta peeyo, tum bhi kya yaaad rakhoge'. Alone it's like a friend told me 'tujhe toh sabhi chutiye lagte hain'.
I went to North Campus today to do my DU M.A form and I've only been there about 5 times and not since well over a year and I always feel immensely uncomfortable there, riding down from the metro station, seeing the swarm of all these kids like me, but feeling very aware of not belonging there. Whatever I say about my college, it's a small place, and in 3 years it becomes a part of how you float along in your daily life. People have got used to me (and vice versa) being weird in college. So I can walk around there and be completely impervious of any one else. What is also kind of strange and maybe tragic is that aside from the sheer number of people in that area, it also has men. I don't know how to explain this...I mean of course there are men all over the rest of the city but my senses have lost the habit of the baritone voices and cologne sweat and straight shapes of men in an everyday context (not to emasculate any of my dear boys...... they don't need any more emasculating)
I've lost the ability to feel people simply looking at me (men and women), surverying, out of curiosity or lechiness or boredom because whenever I'm moving around somewhere I'm in my zone, plugged into an ipod or with my head in a book. And North Campus can smell when you're not one of them, they look at you funny, ignoring the ones who know their way and walk briskly swinging their arms. And as usual I was getting hopelessly lost and feeling like an alien. So there I had to stand in line getting stared at by girls named Neelam who loudly debated with their friends whether to ask me some detail of the form or not and listening to some chutiya give his friend professional sounding counselling about SOAS and the UN and jobs or some shit, while standing in line for fucking D.U M.A History, uski dost toh apply bhi nahi kar rahi thi, uski life toh set hai. Basically itne sare log...thoda culture shock hai after 3 years of South Campus/No campus isolation. Some parts of the place I like, though. The ridge and some juice shop with nice mango milkshake and the area near my friend GJ's PG in Vijaynagar with her rotund Malayali soft porn star looking neighbours who always decide to stretch on the balcony when you're out there.
I should stop posting things I have half written in beer buzz wearing off depression in the metro and half written at 3 am in bed when my eyes sting like a muthafucka. I really make very little sense and sound like a, well a chutiya.


Today on the metro:
Two policewomen, sharing headphones, resting their weary heads against each other.
Round woman who looked like 'Brought to you Bai' who gave me a big grin everytime I looked up (made me slightly less irritable).
BEST EVER: Man with t-shirt that said 'Wanna Frenz?'